Things I hate.

Today I texted him for the first time in 5 months.

And I'm still afraid of the other side of shower curtains

and expiration dates

and speeds over 40mph

and I still get sick on the third row of car seats

and I threw a book at a wall when all hell boiled over

so I texted the other boy for the first time in 5 months and realized 

that my heart wasn't beating the same 

and only one person ever promised me anything

and that was years ago.

So now I'm afraid the next one is going to say things too soon
and my feet will find the air too quickly
or the ground.

I'm afraid of campfire smoke

and the redhead gene leaking into my children

and I'm afraid of leaving this stupid town

but maybe I'm just bitter.

Maybe I'm just bitter at the nonchalant stares and the fact that I wasted 2 weeks stealing looks on a bus when I could've held onto other people's smiles.

Maybe I'm just bitter because I stopped loving something that I didn't want to stop loving.

Maybe I'm just bitter because Monday nights leave me glowing and Tuesday mornings feel like a rerun of the same brokenhearted scheme.

And I learned to swap sadness for anger when I was being tossed around too hard.

Mama said I wasn't allowed to let people screw with my head.

Even the nice ones.

Especially the nice ones.

I keep repeating the same lyrics on letting go and I never actually dropped the rope

but here I am, with two dry eyes and a blush that didn't come from being flirted with.

Here I go into the abyss of emotional intelligence

Hating him for saying it

Hating myself for believing it

and hating you for reading this.

But I know I'm going to forget it all by tomorrow and smile like nothing happened.