the day before today

I've written 4 drafts about him and decided this morning that none of them were worth posting.

One was a goodbye letter but we vowed not to say that.

I woke up at 3:03am drowning in my own sweat, 

trying to decide if it matched the temperature of my body because I was cold.

I took a shower 10 minutes later and fell asleep by 3:33 in my own bed. 

And I don't remember the shower or what I wore to bed, 

but I remember which shampoo I used and apparently 

I shaved my legs.

I don't know why he thinks he's internal because he always let things happen.
Never fought, just punched the flow.

It was half-raining in the canyon yesterday, but I didn't get the chills lying on the back of the pickup with three boys who only wanted to tell me about the way the world works

and my heart broke at Jimmy John's when the old man wouldn't help jumpstart her car.

Yesterday that boy played my music,

he streamed my favorite songs from the stereo of the truck

and the windows were down and the couch was comfortable but we let our clothes hang loose

so the air could catch us

because it's too warm these days 

and I love that.

I love that 

and I miss that.

They brought me summer in a can of five dollar bills

and fajitas by the pool in his backyard

and teal basketballs that kept hitting me

and Jackson said I was a keeper.

I wasn't supposed to be happy that day but I couldn't help myself.

But happiness isn't a sin and it's not a rule and it's not in the Constitution 

so happy Independence Day.

We played Signs in March and spent an hour whipping towels across the kitchen floor

and we did it again tonight, like we were backpedaling

backpedaling

And she told me I was too full of life
to go to bed early.

And yesterday I backpedaled into the front seat of a car that reminds me 

of popsicles and sandwiches and sunglasses 

and Miss Grace and Jared Collins.

And the heartbreak got lost on the dashboard and the almost-rain almost reminded me of June 17.

But it whispered something about rainy days being in the past.

It whispered something about stealing the heartbreak

and before I could argue

it was gone.